


Whatever "This" Even Is

by Rhaized



Series: Adventures of Mary and Marisa [14]
Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: A soft fic for Valentine's Day, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And it's embarrassing, But Marisa is surprisingly soft, Date but not really a date, F/F, Ice Skating, Mary can't skate either, Mary doesn't know, Maybe a date?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29443911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhaized/pseuds/Rhaized
Summary: Mary and Marisa go ice skating together as not quite colleagues and not quite anything else. The problem, though? Mary is a complete disaster on ice.
Relationships: Marisa Coulter/Mary Malone
Series: Adventures of Mary and Marisa [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073954
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	Whatever "This" Even Is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [parrillawilson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/parrillawilson/gifts).



Mary was not a particularly  _ coordinated  _ person. Growing up she never played sports, because she was too busy with science club and quiz bowl and all her volunteer work. She'd watch outside during breaks when the other kids would throw around a baseball or shoot some hoops. They were always so  _ lithe,  _ these athletes and skateboarders and so many others. It was almost like another world entirely that Mary could only barely comprehend. She wanted to study it, observe it, absorb it all in—even if she knew she’d never be able to actually do it herself.

So when Marisa suggested they go ice skating one winter evening, Mary couldn't help but feel a bit apprehensive. 

"It'll be fine," Marisa dismissed as they walked along New Road. The Oxford Ice Rink was only a half mile away from campus. It was a chilly February night, a bit colder than usual. Mary and Marisa were walking close together under the warm bath of street lighting pouring all around them. Mary very much wanted to take her arm, but she didn’t know if Marisa would  _ like  _ that as they were walking around so publicly. They’d known each other several months since Marisa had suddenly appeared (and then stayed) in this world, and had been…whatever it is they were for only a few weeks. It was odd, though; it felt like so much longer in a way Mary couldn’t quite describe.

“Well, for you, maybe,” Mary laughed, trying to lighten the mood a little bit, as Marisa seemed so  _ tense.  _ She had her dark brown handbag that she used to store the golden monkey. He was quiet as he sat there in her bag, but Mary could only wonder what he was  _ really  _ thinking about being cooped up in the way he always was. “The only time I’ve ever done  _ anything  _ like this was a particularly ill-fated field trip in grade school to a roller rink.”

“Ill-fated?” Marisa asked, turning her head to look at her. She was beautiful there in the half lamp-light and half moonlight, her dark hair cascading down her shoulders and her blue eyes glimmering curiously at her. She was stunning, really, in a way that made Mary actually stop walking as all she could do was gaze at her, get  _ lost  _ in her.

“Y-yeah,” Mary continued, realizing Marisa had stopped, too, and that they should keep going. She smoothed down the end of her brown suede jacket as they resumed their casual stroll. “So, I was only ten, you know? I don’t know  _ how  _ they  _ possibly  _ thought I’d be able to maneuver the skates on my own,  _ and  _ I had skinny and weak ankles…”

They spent the quick ten minute walk laughing about Mary’s skating failures. Mary did this often, constantly blab and overshare when she knew she probably shouldn’t. But she couldn’t help it. And Marisa didn’t seem to mind. She listened to her, chuckling at certain points and gasping at others. She was the perfect audience member, as one who was engaged yet still cool about it. Mary didn’t know very many people who could exert such effortless grace like that. She’d been crushing on Marisa for  _ so _ long before she'd said anything but she almost found herself more overwhelmed by it all now, when she knew their feelings were mutual and they were like this, whatever “this” even was.

The ice rink was a bit crowded tonight as they entered, their faces flushing slightly from the heat of the lobby. It was still cold, however, with the chill of the rink seeping through from the side doors. Marisa took her jacket off then and hung it around her arm. She was wearing a dark green button-up blouse that was tucked into a silk black skirt. She wore dark tights underneath it, too, with carefully-laced up ankle boots.

_ God,  _ Mary thought, looking at her but trying hard not to look  _ too  _ much at her. She was so beautiful, so put-together. How was Mary this lucky, to be with someone like  _ that?  _ What did Marisa even see in  _ her?  _ Sometimes Mary really wondered, and worried. In some ways, it all didn't seem real. 

“Mary?” Marisa said then, voice light, and Mary returned to herself, realizing they were at the front of the line now and the man was asking her what size ice skates she needed.

Marisa paid for it all, which surprised Mary (shouldn’t  _ she  _ be the one to pay, since it’s her world and her town?) and they made their way over to the locker area to change into their skates and store their belongings. Marisa wasn’t entirely comfortable leaving her bags and long black overcoat there squished up in some locker, however. 

“What if someone steals it?” she gaped, looking at Mary with such wide and suspicious eyes.

“They won’t,” Mary insisted, although, really, they  _ could,  _ she supposed. Anything was possible. 

“Do you know how much money I have in my purse?”

“Shh!” Mary looked around them at that, hoping no one had overheard. There was a teenage couple sitting nearby who each had one ear filled with an earbud, so they probably had no idea what was going on. There was also an older woman with what looked like her grandchildren, so there was probably no harm there, either. “You can’t  _ say  _ things like that in public, Marisa. Then you’re  _ really  _ going to get something stolen from you.”

“I want a lock,” Marisa sniffed, and after gazing at her helplessly for a minute, Mary signed and went over to the front desk, coming back with an old fashioned, high school lock. Marisa was insufferable when she made up her mind about something. She wouldn't let it go and she would demand she get her way. Mary knew if she refused she'd probably clap her hands together and say she'd just go home, then, and forget the whole thing all together. 

It really was insufferable, yet…still, Mary  _ liked  _ it. And  _ her.  _

This was still strange to Mary, the entire concept of going on a “date” with Marisa (or, whatever the hell this even  _ was,  _ as they again didn't really talk about it). They’d spent a lot of time together before in the lab and on campus and at coffee shops and even at Mary’s house for girls’ nights and gossipping. But everything changed a few weeks ago when they and the rest of the department were out for happy hour drinks after a particularly brutal week.

“I like you,” Mary had blurted out, drunk from only two glasses of wine because she was tiny and never drank and Marisa was wearing a tight blue skirt suit and it was all too, too much.

The world didn’t end after that, surprisingly. Marisa had smiled at her and topped off her drink, scooting a bit closer. Nothing else happened then, but a week later when they were walking to go get coffee Mary had stepped onto a street when the light was red and Marisa yanked her back. Their eyes connected and something  _ happened.  _ Marisa’s eyes lingered on Mary’s before traveling down to her lips, and then her hand was on her face, and all Mary can remember was the way her stomach flipped and everything for the rest of the entire day felt feather light and full of promise.

They’d had one girls’ night in between then, which diverged  _ quite  _ drastically from those before as the movie was abandoned half-way through as Marisa leaned Mary down on the couch and laid against her to the point where Mary lost her breath and needed to calm down. And then they were here, storing their belongings in a locker and getting ready to go out onto the ice. Colleagues and friends yet, at the moment, something  _ else,  _ something  _ more. _

“Have you ever been ice skating before?” Mary asked as they stomped their way over to the rink. She was having a hard time, she had to admit. It was weird walking with skates. She had to lift her legs up and really be careful about where they landed and how she put weight on her feet. Gosh, if she was having such difficulty  _ walking,  _ how would she  _ ever  _ be able to actually  _ skate  _ on the rink?

She was panicking. Mary was absolutely panicking. But she had to be cool. She didn’t want Marisa to think she was entirely worthless. She had to figure it out and toughen up. 

“Oh, plenty of times,” Marisa said brightly, setting her bag down by the wall of the rink. She’d taken her wallet out, but the golden monkey was still inside, of course. At that angle he’d be able to peek out and watch people skate. There was the risk that someone would take the bag and run with it, but if they tried, they’d have a very pleasant surprise.

“Nice,” Mary said, but she was pretty sure it came out with a tremble. Marisa turned to look at her then as she entered the rink. She was skating  _ backwards,  _ actually  _ backwards,  _ as she tilted her head to the side. “Aren’t you coming, love?”

Oh, how Mary wished she could run to her. Mary would dance across the ice and capture Marisa in her arms, catching her off guard as she’d put her hands on her waist and reach up to kiss her. Sometimes Mary was quite romantic like that in her head, where anything could happen and no one was there to reject her or see straight through her various inabilities to do certain things. It was fun, in her head. It was ideal.

But Mary could  _ not  _ live in her head as she stepped out onto the ice, wobbled, and then fell hard on her bum.

Marisa rushed over to her, as she’d skated a few feet away. Mary let out a groan, and she heard something sniff nearby. She looked to see little monkey eyes peeping out at her from Marisa’s bag. Then she felt someone pull her up firmly and she turned to see Marisa standing right there, so very close. “Are you alright, Mary?”

This was humiliating. Even though the rink was cold Mary felt herself  _ burn  _ as her cheeks reddened and the air became harder to breath. Marisa was still holding her in place, one arm around her waist and another moving to lightly brush away flecks of ice from Mary’s jeans and her brown sweater. It was kind of nice, Marisa’s proximity. It made Mary breathe a bit faster and made something stir inside of her. 

But, if only it weren’t under the  _ worst possible circumstances ever. _

“I don’t really, um—”

“It’s fine.” Marisa cut Mary off at that, her lips curving into an easy smile. Mary could only stare as Marisa smiled at her, eyes softening. “I’ll teach you. Are you ready? Take my hand now.”

Marisa glided a little ways away from Mary, still holding onto her hand gently yet securely. Mary’s feet began to wobble again but Marisa held her steady, and instructed her to not  _ step  _ in front of her but  _ swing,  _ almost, to let her feet find a natural and consistent rhythm as she curved in and curved out. 

“Pretend you are marching, but outwards and back in,” Marisa offered as still Mary couldn’t do it. They were at the very edge of the rink now as Mary clung to the wall, feeling increasingly terrified at falling again and really hurting herself. 

“I don’t know what that means,” Mary spat, feeling the entire ridiculousness of the situation overwhelm her. She was thirty eight years old for  _ crying out loud!  _ She had a  _ doctorate!  _ She worked at the  _ University of Oxford,  _ which was among the best in the entire  _ world.  _ She was not a stupid person and she had a great capacity to learn and to try new things, yet here she was, stumbling around like a one-year old who didn’t know how to walk.

“Watch me,” Marisa said then, voice slightly harsher as she moved ahead of Mary a little bit, her feet lightly picking up and moving forward in front of her as naturally as breathing.

Mary tried, screwing her eyes up and focusing intently on copying exactly what it was Marisa was doing. But her  _ ankles  _ hurt. God, it felt like they were suffocating! Did she tie it too tightly? Marisa had checked it to be sure, and hers were done the same way. Maybe the problem really  _ was  _ with Mary herself. Maybe she was helpless,  _ hopeless. _

“I don’t think this is going to work,” Mary said after several more painful minutes, both emotionally as she saw people were starting to stare at them and also physically as her ankles screamed for her to please stop already. Marisa had stayed by her side, skating effortlessly and trying to help but, Mary could tell, growing increasingly frustrated herself.

“There is something else we could try,” Marisa mused aloud then, eying Mary and then looking back somewhere behind her.

“What?” Mary huffed, practically dragging and pulling herself against the wall now. She was moving slowly and inching forward ever so slightly, but it was all she could manage. And it wasn't much  _ at all.  _

“Stay here,” Marisa instructed, and with that she glided away a bit and then worked herself into a wind up as she practically sprinted away ahead, looping over the curve and then heading back in the opposite direction.

The woman could conduct research, she could explore the North, she could make important discoveries, she could survive and take down the patriarchy,  _ and  _ she could skate. Good  _ God.  _

It was right after Marisa left, however, that Mary’s worst possible nightmare became a reality. Not even a full minute after Marisa disappeared the announcers called for everyone to leave the ice for the Zamboni ice resurfacer to clean and smooth over the surface of the rink—right as Mary was  _ all the way  _ on the other end from the entrance and as she was clinging onto the wall for dear life.

Everyone around her turned around and headed for the entrance, moving quickly and smoothly over the ice. Mary kept moving along the way, working as fast as she could. The rink wasn’t  _ that  _ big, really. She could make it out by pulling herself over as she’d been doing. How long could it possibly take? She’d be fine. She had nothing to worry about.

But it, indeed, it took a long time— _ too  _ long.

Soon everyone else except for Mary was off the ice, and only the ice rink workers slid around near the entrance. Mary looked around for Marisa, but she couldn’t see her. All she saw was a massive mob of people loitering around by the entrance moving around by the wall and waiting for the ten or so minutes it took for the ice to get smoothed over. And Mary was  _ only halfway back. _

She heard a thunderous vroom and looked over her shoulder to see it: the Zamboni, slowly creeping its way onto the ice rink from where it was stored somewhere behind it. The workers were staring at her from over by the entrance, waving to her impatiently to hurry up.

But, they didn't understand! Mary  _ couldn’t.  _ She felt a tight sensation grow in her chest now as she kept hobbling forward, daring to try and glide in order to move a little faster but then going straight back toward the wall because she was  _ certainly  _ going to fall.

“What’s going on?” came a voice from somewhere in the crowd— _ Marisa’s  _ voice.

Practically everyone and everything stopped as Marisa clunked in her skates over to the edge of the rink. She was carrying what looked like a red walker. Mary had seen those back at the entrance, with an advertisement that they were helpful for children or beginners who needed help learning how to work the ice. For just a fraction of a moment, Mary felt touched, that Marisa left the rink and went all the way back to go and get that for her. It meant that she  _ cared  _ that Mary was having a hard time, that she wasn’t  _ annoyed  _ or  _ frustrated  _ with her and that, importantly, she didn’t give up on her.

More importantly, though, Mary realized that she was still standing in the middle of the ice rink as the Zamboni continued to move behind her.

Ignoring the workers entirely, Marisa dropped the walker by the entrance and then kicked out so that she was gliding toward Mary. The lights were fully on now since maintenance was out, and Marisa was lit up in a blaze of fluorescent lighting. Her hair was shining with it, and her face had such a look of determination on it as she moved and swayed her body into the motions and then appeared at Mary’s side, sliding to a halt beside her and then putting her arm around her waist. “I’ve got you, darling. Come on.”

What was entirely mortifying before suddenly felt better than anything Mary had ever experienced as Marisa guided her forward. She did all of the work as Mary’s body simply melted and flowed into the other woman's motions, her feet and skates barely touching the ice. Her waist felt so warm as Marisa gently held it. The left side of her body that Marisa was pressed against felt almost like it was floating in the air. They kept moving and finally reached the entrance, Marisa moving down to scoop up her bag (which thankfully was still there with the monkey in tow) and then kept her arm tightly around Mary’s waist as they moved over to a bench.

“I need to get these off,” Mary stammered, sinking down onto the wood and reaching down. Marisa was there faster, however. She was kneeling down, still in her skates, unfastening the laces and then pulling at the material. Mary felt instant relief flood her feet as she did so, and sank back against the wall of the rink.

“Does that feel better?” Marisa asked, looking up at her.

“Yes,” Mary sighed, and she closed her eyes for a minute to reflect on it all.

Mary ruined their date. There was no way around that fact. She’d made a fool of herself not only in front of Marisa but in front of the  _ entire ice rink  _ and she was certain that she could never,  _ ever  _ come here again. She also wondered if anyone she knew from the College or from around town was here, and she felt herself redden again and wanted to melt and disappear into the crevices of the wall.

But Marisa surprised her, yet again. She moved to sit beside Mary and then took her hand. “I’m sorry your lesson got cut short.”

Marisa was…. _ sorry?  _ For the monstrosity that had happened? And about her "lessons?" 

The brunette chuckled lightly at that, as she seemed to sense what was going on in Mary’s brain. Mary heard shuffling noises and looked to see the golden monkey stick his little face out of the bag, looking at her, too. His eyes were round and soft. They put her at ease in a way she didn’t entirely comprehend yet couldn’t resist.

“You’re so cute,” Marisa said, and again Mary could only blink.

“I’m sorry?” she said, still feeling completely overwhelmed at what had happened and, the more they talked, utterly confused at what was happening between them.

“You don’t even realize it, do you?” Marisa mused, moving her free hand to brush the hair out of Mary’s face. Her touch was soft and electric, as it lightly grazed her skin. Mary was already blushing and sweating and a complete mess, but if she weren’t, she’d be even  _ more  _ of a mess.

“Marisa,” Mary breathed, “I’m so sorry, I just know that I’ve—”

And then Marisa’s lips were pressing against hers. Light and sweet. Mary was startled and simply sat there as Marisa moved her lips and then came back in for another kiss, gently sucking at her lower lip before pulling away.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Marisa said, amusement glimmering in her eyes now. “I was  _ quite  _ entertained.

“Entertained,” Mary repeated, and then she laughed, feeling herself start to relax more and more. She looked over at the monkey and saw him cuckling, too, which made her happy. He was still something of a mystery to her, as the walking counterpart of Marisa’s soul who could feel what she felt yet who lived with his own consciousness, but she wanted him to be happy, however that could be for him. And it seemed, for  _ whatever  _ reason, they were all really and sincerely  _ happy.  _

“What do you say we get out of here?” Marisa said then, watching as people started filing back out onto the ice rink as the Zamboni cleared away back behind the rink.

“You can keep skating if you want,” Mary offered. “I can wait here with monkey. Don’t let me ruin your fun.”

“But how would I have fun if I’m not with you?” Marisa asked, and at that Mary gasped—actually gasped. Marisa smirked, and Mary wondered if she was doing this on purpose, if she  _ knew  _ what it was she  _ did  _ to her and how she made her  _ feel  _ when she said things like that.

“Up you come, now,” Marisa said gently, standing up and extending her hand. Mary took it, and surprisingly, Marisa kept their hands intertwined as they made their way back over to the lockers, Marisa holding both pairs of skates in one hand with the monkey and her bag over the same shoulder.

“Do you, uh, can I take you out for a cup of coffee now?” Mary asked once they changed back into their shoes and gathered up their coats and all of Marisa’s  _ money  _ that was supposedly inside her wallet (Mary still had so many questions about this but was polite enough not to ask).

“I would love that, Dr. Malone,” Marisa crooned as they exited the building and faced the chilly night air. Mary smiled, as Marisa’s respect for her title and her work was something that never failed to make her feel so incredibly soft for the other woman. Their connection was intellectual as much as it was anything else, after all. It was tender and invigorating and really quite addicting. Marisa returned the smile and then linked her arm with Mary’s, as Mary had wanted to do earlier. They strolled down the sidewalk, Marisa now telling Mary an embarrassing story of her  _ own _ when she’d traveled to the North for the first time.

  
This was nice. Mary didn’t quite have enough words to describe it, the exhilaration that was Marisa Coulter. She was cool rain after a hot summer’s night, slippers after a long day in heels, the first sip of rich and thick hot chocolate. Mary couldn’t get enough of her, even if she didn't know exactly what Marisa  _ was  _ to her. It didn't really matter, though. Mary smiled as they walked together, appreciating the present moment and how Marisa made her  _ feel _ . 

**Author's Note:**

> A "not necessarily Valentine's Day but could be" fic featuring our favorite science gfs!!


End file.
